so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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