You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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