I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
