I cannot find my penis.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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