you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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