Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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