i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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