Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
