god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Someone signed my nipple.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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