On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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