Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
