Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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