You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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