I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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