I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
