I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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