I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
