Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
