I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
