you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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