i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
