just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
