My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
