What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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