Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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