k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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