That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
