does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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