you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
