I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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