my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
