have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
