see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
