You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
