my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
