This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
