I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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