Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
