at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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