dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
