Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
