I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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