Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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