I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
