Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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