I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We got so high we made milksteak
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize