the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
