We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
