and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
