I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize