I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
