Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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