i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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