My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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