Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Randomize
