I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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