I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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