meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
